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| Season Finale |
| 02.15.10 (9:18 pm) [edit] |
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I woke up this morning with a disturbing and somehow surreal dream. Suffering a cold thanks to the unpredictable weather, I just ended up broken and crying. It felt good, finally to let it all out.
It felt great. 2007-2008-2009-2010-now .. was perhaps testing times. I lost my best friend, the man I loved with all my heart and perhaps will always love. I realised, every morning I will wake up missing him. But i guess I just can't be with him, cause we burned each-other so much, hurt eachother so much in his words we could not save each-other.
I will always love him. Always, there is no changing that. Very soon possibly I will be leaving this place. Leaving three people who perhaps love me, but do they love me enough?
I admit it I am not trying, or trying hard enough. I am burned out. I lost my fire, there was a time nothing was impossible. Now I am just letting my life take over, not fighting my fate.
So i am going to suck it up and give the best interview ever tommorow. I will prepare for it today. I will meet the friends I have ignored.
I will ignore those who do not have time for me. I will move on with my life. Or i will try to.
I am really happy for someone today, hope she has a great week end away with her boy.
I miss you.. you know who you are. I do not know where you are, but if you can hear me. I miss you. You are my only true love.
My hearts broken, but I have to get up.
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| Bizzaire Dream |
| 02.13.10 (11:05 am) [edit] |
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It started with me saving my DOG from my cat, in SG. In my mind, I told myself it is just a dream. Wake up, somewhere between this my mother walks in and goes, "A is here" . My response naturally is why is A here?
My mother says "Well this is just a dream, and it won't be over till you face your reality".
Scene switches I wake up next to a really blonde guy. I ask him who he is "I am your boy friend silly.." and he exits.
In panic now, I look out of the window looking at Washington DC, covered in snow.
I once again try to get out of this dream. Finding my cellphone on the table, I try to call A and I. Not finding either numbers I try to remember their numbers. Finally my perky room-mate helps me by putting my sim card into a machine that read numbers. A text called A and a number called I.
I CALL I first, a child answers. After some bantering I get I on the phone, where she informs that we have not been talking for 10 years, I walked away and disappeared after losing my job and broke A's heart. I scream at her. I this is a dream, Wake me up.
She repeats uncannily, "you won't wake up till you face your reality."
So I call A. He answers asking me why I am calling after I broke his heart. I find him. (Apparently in the same campus,cause he shares with this girl."I did not break your heart, how can I, I love you", I scream. Tears flow out. "Don't cry.. we are together now" In his arms I wake up facing my Cat Baby.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT DREAM? I AM TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. I NEEDED TO WRITE THIS CAUSE I NEEDED TO REMEMBER. IS THIS REALLY JUST A DREAM. UNCANNY!
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| Cant sleep |
| 02.09.10 (10:55 pm) [edit] |
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I cant sleep tonight.
All I did all day was, apply jobs, cleaned kitchen and the bathroom.
Now I am on my second glass of wine, and I am not nearly as calm.
Its just 11, I envy, mark and his snores.
I am hating Abhijit, and his aqua male syndrome.
He can be such a dooche bag, I cant blame him.
I miss being in love with someone.
I am not in love with him or mark or anyone.
I miss being in love, going out on dates and actually liking the guy who likes me back, who wants to be with me.
I need a job.. so I can stay here.
I do not want to go back.
Everything is so difficult.
I miss my life, Is this the turning point of my life? There is not enough alcohol in this apartment.
This is my home.
I think the only love i am capable of is that of baby..my cat.
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| The feeling of unwanted |
| 02.02.10 (10:09 am) [edit] |
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I got laid-off from my job. It was something I did everyday, that was so much of a part of me that, losing it was losing an essence of me.
I feel used and unwanted in all aspects of my life right now. Worse I have to go home if I do not find anything in two months.
Home... This is home. Why am I fighting this? Why am I fighting to stay here.
These are my depressed moments where I feel like I just want to end it. End everything. How much more do you want me to lose god? Wasn't losing what was inside me good enough?
You only give humans pain which we can take and fight. Well my tolerance has been reached.
I need to live again. Please do not take this away from me.
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| 01.21.10 (12:53 pm) [edit] |
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Too often I am so frustrated with my life and this immense amount of energy that I have, that I start or at-least want to control every aspect of it. If it doesn't go according to me I get mad. I guess I am a kind of person who hates not knowing. It is those moments that I always find a glimpse of my past that gives me back that calmness and control I need. Look at me , here. This was 3 years back. I have changed a lot. We always change constantly every moment every day. With me, if I chase something it never happens. So I have decided I won't chase a thing. I will do what I do, and let go. I look real pretty with brown eyes :) 
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| Todays world |
| 01.21.10 (8:43 am) [edit] |
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Most basket-ballers, golfers, men, women are man-hos'
Its okay to have more than one sex partners, as long as its called friends with benifits
Being a porn-star and a play mate is what most 18 year old teenagers dream of.
Kim Kardahian is cool!
Reality Tv is ditzy!
E! = getting drunk, having affairs, wearing cute shorts, being road trash on TV!
Obama+Haiti Earth Quake+ Tiger Woods same new segment sequel
Politics = Noone can do better than other
Dating = What the hell we are having a meal and we continue to do multiple lovers
Society equal: You are own your own buddy!
Friends= people who drink with you
Real friends= won't stick a knife on your back hopefully!
Money= You have it you rule!
Stripper+stripper shoes=cool job!
I am burning out, comment on more insightful observations!
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